Contributor on ‘2020 – A Year’s Worth of Ruminations’

Gigi – NYC

January 31, 2020

Strange creatures dissipate from view as dream fog melts to early morning fog.

Need coffee.

Check my phone for what dog walks I have today – nice side gig between seasonal jobs, makes me happy.

I have a few today. I hope they’re sweet.

Familiar faint knot appears in my stomach as I sip my tub-like cup of joe.

Accepted a job on an urban farm in Boulder. Leave early March, need to buy the plane ticket. I hope I can balance work and maid-of-honor duties for my sister.

I hope I get rejected from those grad schools I applied to so I don’t have to leave the job I just accepted. They seem so kind and I don’t want to hurt them. 

Start the day. 

Smile and say ‘good morning’ to the folks. 

Give dad a hug.

Tell them I’ll be out for a few hours and see the disappointment wash over their faces, the same faces they had when I said I accepted the job in Colorado. 

They want me close to home, and I wish I wanted to be too. 

Set out to see happy creatures.

Two were lovely, one a treasure, one a very scared meanie.

Can’t all be winners.

Stuffed my face at 2, beer at 4.

Another beer at 5 – it’s Friday, you know. 

All can be covered with some good beers and a little television. 

Told myself I’d read more in 2020. Whoops!

Dinner with the folks. 

They leave on Monday for an entire week to Costa Rica!

Immensely jealous!

Watch a movie with them while the girlfriend is out dancing with friends 4000 miles away. I asked if she wanted to go out dancing when I was over there to visit. She didn’t.

Take a bath and wash away the day.

Always wash away the day.

Slip a melatonin under the tongue. 

Slide back to the amorphous fog of far off lands and alien creatures.

February 29, 2020

Question 1: How did you feel today? (What thoughts are on your mind on this last day of each month and what stimuli caused you to feel that way?)

What an exciting day! My sister and I went bridesmaid-dress shopping at this cool spot in NYC for her upcoming wedding, and within a half an hour we had found the perfect dress that she had been imagining. A little pricey… my poor wallet… but it is all to make her happy, and that is what matters. We got bunch and bottomless mimosas afterwards to celebrate! I went back to my apartment to take a very necessary nap, and rallied to go out for dinner and drinks with two of my two buds. It was one of my bud’s birthdays the other day, so I bought them a vegan philly cheese steak. We also got some drinks and just caught up – it had been some time since we had all been at the same place. Still missing the fourth in our gang, she lives in Philly. The four of us have never been able to meet in the same place since graduation two years ago – pretty wild. 

My love and I have been going through a rough few months, and we haven’t spoken this week. She is drowning in work, and cannot talk to me. But we’re calling tomorrow to have an in-depth discussion about our relationship, our wants, our needs. I’m hopeful, maybe we’ll really start to hear each other. We’ve been miscommunicating and reading into things we shouldn’t for months – long distance is a mega bitch. It takes so much work. So much. And we haven’t really been able to do any of that work. I think we both want a change. 

I also got into grad school and am still reeling from it! I will be attending the Norwegian University of Life Sciences to get a Masters in Ecology. How weird. New degree, new school, new country, one I’ve never been to and do not remotely speak the language. But I’ll learn soon enough. People always seem to think I know exactly what I’m doing, that I know my path, that the next 50 years I have all planned out. But I would say I’m even more lost now than a few years ago, but not in a bad way. Not all who are lost want to be found, maybe they just truly want to wander. I always think back to my favorite song lyrics about my attitude towards life/career – “I’m grasping at straws, and I’m chasing the wind, as I fall on my face, over and over again.” 

Question 2: How would you frame your day (answer to the first question) to a complete stranger?

Today was a good day! I saw my family and friends, drank and was merry, tried on pretty things, ate vegan yummies. Exactly how a Saturday should be.

Question 3: Two paths diverge in a yellow wood… which do you choose? One winds into a dark canopy headed towards a beautiful valley, and the other heads straight for the top of the mountain. Choose wisely 😉

Both journeys have allure. Summit a mountain and see the glory of the world in every direction knowing you had just accomplished the feat of summiting, but only being able to enjoy this glory from a distance. Or, delve into the dark unknown with the hopes of making it to a fertile and beautiful haven on the other side. I think the easy answer is to summit because you know for sure there will be payoff in some sense; you will have a great view. But to take the risk of heading to the dark, however mysterious, enticing and possibly dangerous it could be with the hopes of a better tomorrow in the fertile valley, now that’s a true feat. I would take the wooded path. I might not know what the journey will hold but I know there will be hope of a lush world on the other side.